Motivation… (Or My Lack of It)

As you may have noticed updates here have been very, very sparse.

I admit my motivation isn’t really here right now. It’s stupid I have plenty of ideas but no real drive to do anything.
My lack of motivation or whatever it is I think has stemmed from the lovely anxiety ridden ball I have become in the last month or so.
As you probably know, or if you don’t can glean from past posts I’ve been trying desperatley to find work and I am not getting very far at all.
I admit, lately most mornings I’m finding it quite hard to really see much reason to get out of bed. It feels like I have no real need to to unless I’m volunteering or I have to go to the Job Centre. But I get myself out of bed anyway and end up spending most of my day not doing much of anything and generally having to run around at home.

Being stuck at home just sucks.
I’m sick of my town, and just wish I had the means and money to just go somewhere a bit different for a while.
I need to stop spending my day generally loafing around and staring at my Tumblr, my FB and other random sites I spend too much time on. I need to also stop clicking back multiple times in an hour.

I need to be busy. That’s it really, all the time I can be ‘busy’ I’m fine. All the time I’m not busy I get fed up and things like to sneak up on me and I tend to become a little ball of anxiety. But I need to stop making myself ‘busy’ with stupid things like video games, although I love you video games I need to be more productive.

I get stuck in the house on my own a lot lately, my brother started Uni again so he spends most days out, and whenever Mum goes out wih the dog I get this period of several hours where I’m home alone and well I don’t really like it. Sure I often have an errand to run but generally I’m done and back very quickly, housework doesn’t keep me busy either because I can get it done really quickly, I get bored watching TV, and often I feel fed up with a game after about an hour (not counting that day I accidently spent six hours playing SWTOR).

The house is stressful, there’s a fair bit going on so if I’m really lucky I spend at least one day getting screamed at for stupid things and generally being blamed for everything that goes wrong.

I think when I was in college I was more productive art wise as I had reason to just draw, and I wanted to get stuff done. Being at home, unemployed and generally not having a good time of it it’s a case of ‘why rush, I have plenty of time.’
And so my sketchbook lays neglected, my tablet gathers dust and I get annoyed at myself for being lazy.
I can’t blame anything other than myself. I need to find something to give me a motivational kick up the backside.
I will somehow get through this.


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